Am I an Addict?

Am I sexually addicted?

This is one of the most often-asked questions.  What's the difference between having a high sexual appetite and being sexually addicted?  The answer doesn't actually lie in the sexual area of our lives, but in the emotional area.

Let's sidestep the issue and talk about another addiction: alcoholism.  Does an alcoholic drink liquor excessively simply because he's thirsty?  Of course not.  The alcoholic will turn to drink because he's happy or sad or excited or afraid or tired or stressed or relaxed or annoyed or withdrawn or any of a number of feelings.  Alcohol becomes a coping mechanism when life gets uncomfortable.  At first, alcohol seems like a good friend because it helps numb the pain.  Later, though, the addict learns that this coping mechanism is destructive.  Gone far enough, alcohol can cause the most prosperous person to lose her health, friends, respect, job... and even her life.  

In my experience, all addictions strive toward one thing: the complete destruction of the addict.

So how does this relate to sexual addiction?  Sex in and of itself is not a bad thing.  The bad thing about sex as an addiction is that the addict uses sex to cope with life.  As with the alcoholic, a sex addict doesn't turn towards sex simply to satisfy a high drive.  A sex addict turns to sex as a means of dealing with his/her existence.  Like alcoholism, sexual addiction will trash the addict's life.  The difference is that sexual addiction works through the most intimate areas of human relationships.  One joke I heard when I first got into recovery is "If you're going to have an addiction, sex is the one to have!"  Trust me, though: sex as an addiction can ruin life relationships... and ruin the joy and pleasure of sex.

So where do I go from here?

• Do you want to know if you're sexually addicted?  A great place to start is in the Self-Test section.

• You can learn about the clinical definitions of some of the symptoms of sexual addiction in the Symptoms area.

• If you want to know something about sexual addiction behaviors, read the section on Behaviors.

• The Core Beliefs button will take you to some lies which many addicts tend to believe.

• The sexual addiction cycle (as documented by Dr. Mark Laaser and Dr. Patrick Carnes, among others) is shown on the section about The Cycle.

• Finally, First Steps covers some of the First Step stories of other sexual addicts.

But wait!  I only indulge in a little fantasy and masturbation!  Am I still a sex addict?

This is a question I had to ask myself when I first got into recovery.   I went to my first 12 Step meeting because I was having a problem with compulsive masturbation (three to five times each day).  I had forgotten all my other behaviors.  

In the recovery meeting I saw men who had "worse" behaviors (exhibitionism, etc.).  I compared myself to them and thought "I'm not nearly as bad as they are... I don't belong here."  I left and didn't come back to the meeting for 3 months.  

During that time I was able to see that my sexual addiction wasn't based on the severity of the behaviors but rather on the damage it was doing to my life.   I learned that behaviors are not "worse" or "better"; addictive behaviors are simply destructive.  

At the end of those three months I joined the meeting again and found that I was now ready to recover.  And once again I was welcomed into the fellowship.