The Addiction Cycle

The sexual addiction cycle is well-documented by both Dr. Patrick Carnes (Out of the Shadows) and Dr. Mark Laaser (Faithful & True).  I've included a simple image below of the basic cycle:

I think it's fairly straight forward.  A thought enters the addict's mind, which starts the fantasy.  Perhaps the addict remembers an image he -- or she -- saw, or remembers a past sexual event.  Sometimes the fantasy starts when a business traveler has to go out of town.  

If the addict doesn't stop the fantasy, it will usually build into some sort of preparation for acting out (a ritual).  The addict may start cruising for prostitutes, visiting adult stores, or waiting to get picked up in a bar.  Of course, the ritual can be anywhere from a few minutes to several weeks in length.  In the case of the traveler, booking the trip might be part of the ritual.

If unchecked, the ritual will nearly always lead to some sort of sexual behavior ("acting out" the fantasy and ritual).  All the energy invested in the fantasy and ritual are expressed here.

After the acting out, the addict feels guilt or shame for the behavior.  "How could I do this again??"  While guilt can be constructive and lead to healing, the shame can often lead to despair and all other manner of regretful feelings.  Of course, the addict doesn't like feeling this way, and knows that there's a way to salve the feelings: another time through the cycle.  And so begins another trip on the addiction cycle, spiraling downward...

I was going to leave it there, but I'll add this: there's a way out at every point along the cycle.  The easiest place to stop it is in the mind (Fantasy), but that doesn't mean the other locations are too difficult.  At Fantasy, you can begin thinking about something else.  At Ritual or Acting Out, you can change the behavior or connect with someone in recovery who can see you through to a safe place.  At Shame, you can change it to Guilt and work on correcting the behavior.  

What's required?  Humility and alertness.  As addicts, we have to be alert to the thoughts and behaviors that are getting us in trouble.  We also need to be willing to reach out to those who are willing and able to help us (humility).  Remember, you're not alone in this.  Be willing to help others, and be willing to be helped.