CONSTRUCTIVE AND RESTRICTIVE MOTIVATION





As recovery permeates all aspects of my life, I often take thoughts 


and ideas from various discussions and map them into a recovery 


context.  My wife and I try to spend some time one on one talking 


about various topics to help improve our communication and 


relationship.  Last night we discussed a topic from a course we have 


both taken in the last year called "Investment in Excellence".  The 


module was entitled "Constructive and Restrictive Motivation".  Let 


me summarize the key concepts and then discuss how I realized for the 


first time last night what it meant for my recovery.





There are two ways that I can be motivated or directed to accomplish 


things in my life.  The preferable way is through "constructive 


motivation".  This is the type of motivation where I constantly think 


about "want-to, choose-to, like-to".  I constantly visualize what it 


is I want and it "throws my system out of whack" because I don't have 


it right now.  It will cause me to constantly unleash my creativity 


and energy to achieve my picture of this new reality.  My motivation 


will cause me to attack my problems and obstacles with the same 


pleasure a child has who is looking forward to a gift at their 


birthday or at holiday times.  I will constantly be thinking about 


the joy of accomplishment (called "visualization" in the course) and 


be looking constantly for any opportunities to get closer to where I 


want to be.  This type of motivation constantly makes me feel excited 


and exhilarated.





The other type of motivation is "restrictive motivation".  This is 


motivation by threats, fear, or coercion.  I am motivated to 


accomplish things not for the pleasure or the possession of the end 


result, but because I am always outrunning the consequences.  The 


most common phrase I hear or think about when motivated this way is 


"do it or else...".  Now here is the interesting part/concept -- when 


people are motivated this way, when they are being "pushed" against 


their will, what will they do?  Push back!  Try this experiment (this 


was demonstrated in the course).  Go to someone and ask them to put 


up their hand with their palm towards you.  Then take your hand and 


push it.  They will instinctively push your hand back without your 


even asking them to.  Same with restrictive motivation.  How do I 


"push back" when motivated this way?  Here are four typical ways:  


procrastination, absenteeism (i.e., just not being where I need to be 


to accomplish my tasks), sloppy work/effort, and no pride in what I 


do.  It is often unconscious and I don't even realize what I am 


doing.  When I get motivated this way, my subconscious helps me out 


by saying, "you really don't want to do this so I will help you 


through creative avoidance".  What ends up happening is that I do 


just enough "to get by".  Restrictive motivation also has 


consequences in other areas such as self-esteem.  It is constantly 


pushed down by my repeated self-talk which goes something like "I 


don't like this but I have to" or "I am doing this because if I don't 


something bad will happen to me".  This sort of thinking will lead me 


to constantly belittle myself and live in a life of guilt and fear.





So how does this apply to my addiction?  When we talked about the 


above concepts last night, it became obvious that there was a direct 


connection.  The "light bulb went off!".  I first concluded that 


whenever I had a goal in front of me, I had to approach it using one 


or the other of the above motivational approaches.  Even if I 


understood that my higher power/God was helping me stay sober, yet my 


higher power/God had to work through me and my mind to do so.  My 


higher power/God works through my motivation and I would not 


necessarily equate motivation to "will power" (aside - for those of 


you who are religious and do things because God wants you to and 


avoid bad things so as not to sin because God does not want you to 


sin, how are you motivated?  Which one of the two above do you use?)





So I am not working towards the goal of sobriety on my own but as my 


higher power/God is working through me and motivating me to stay 


sober and I am motivated in one of the two ways, which one is it?   


Well, at first, the answer was pretty obvious.  Let's look at my 


activities - I couldn't seem to start working on my step work.  Even 


after I did my first step, I went almost a year before I did anything 


else.  I managed to miss meetings.  I was staying sober because my 


wife wanted me to.  Sound similar to the above?  Here are the 


analogies - I procrastinated, I had absenteeism, and I did not have 


pride in what I was doing.  I was "pushing back".  I was staying 


sober because I was trying to avoid the consequences of not doing so 


-- I was in "do it or else" mode.  I didn't want to slip.  I didn't 


want to lose my marriage.  It was therefore, no surprise that I was 


living sober the hard way -- basically white knuckling it as our 


recovery saying goes.





As my description suggested above, no matter how hard I tried to stay 


sober in the "restrictive/coercive motivation" mode, it seemed to be 


hard.  I was making it hard on myself.  My subconscious was helping 


me push back unconsciously through various create avoidance 


techniques.  I was doing the minimum to get by but that meant I was 


constantly having to "live on the edge".  I was getting involved in 


slippery behaviors and constantly tempting myself with the thoughts 


of acting out.





I will not say that I am not in this mode anymore.  But after last 


night, I understand now what the implications are of living that way 


and it does not have to continue like that for me.  I want to get 


into the "constructive motivation" mode.  I can see how much easier 


it can be to stay sober that way.  When I am eagerly anticipating the 


joy of sobriety like a child gets excited about gifts and treats, 


things just naturally flow smoothly.  I will be constantly looking 


for ways to get closer to that state.  I will be constantly 


visualizing the beauty of the state of sobriety and not constantly 


fantasizing about acting out and the negative consequences they 


entail  (think about the AA Big Book "promises" and how they relate 


to this).  It will be a state of mind where I am immersed in the 


excitement of doing it because "I want to, need to, like to".  It 


will be something that I know will be good for me and help elevate my 


self-worth and self-esteem.  As they say here in the south, my mouth 


will be constantly watering and I always will be "just plum excited".  


I'm doing it for me because I know its good for me and not because I 


"have to or else".





Can I just switch for one state to the other?  I can help the process 


through regular meditations, doing my step work, and doing other 


things that benefit me and are good for me.  But changing my 


motivation is a slow and gradual process.  Its sort of the thing that 


I can only realize it has changed by looking back and seeing the 


"after effects".  I am not sure if I change anything at all.  It is 


change for me and all I have to do is put myself in the situation to 


accept and assimilate it when it comes.





Anyhow, just sharing the above has really got my adrenaline up and 


put it me in the same sort of mode as I used to get when I acted out.  


But this is a "positive high".  I now am realizing just a little bit 


what good things can happen when I get constructive motivation -- 


just in the last 30 minutes I think I got a small taste.





Have a great weekend, 


Joel








Above article by Joel (yonah@aol.com)