My story goes back to when I was 6 or 7 years old. That

afternoon, my mother took me to a friend's house. He was 7

years old, too. Both mothers went out shopping for the entire

afternoon and left us alone with the Maid. Me and my friend

were playing when suddenly, the maid came into the room. She

took her clothes off and order us to do the same. Since we

were too young, didn't know what was going on. She laid on

the floor and order to "play" horse back riding on her. She

forced us to do that for about an hour. When my mother came

back I didn't tell her anything.



After a few days, I started to behave a little strange. I

started asking my Maid to show me under her skirt and then I

tried to touch her. The first 2 days, she didn't say anything

but then she told my mother. I remember she didn't say

anything to me.



Time went by and I was so desperate to see a naked woman

again. When I turned 10 years old, some crazy older guys

notice the need that I had and started showing me magazines.

One day, one of them took me to his house and promise me he

would give some pictures if I let him touch me. I accepted

the offer. He took out some magazines from his closet and

showed them to me. He masturbated me. That day marked my

life. I started to masturbate 2, 3 times a day. Every day, I

was more desperate.



When I turn 15 years old, things were going real bad.  First,

I started to buy a lot of magazines with naked women and use

to spend the afternoons drawing  pubic hair on them with a

marker. After that I was so anxious to have sex. Every night,

I use to go to where the maids sleep to spy on them.



One day, I don't remember how, I had a sexual encounter with

my older sisters. From that day, we had several encounters

that went on for months. Later, we included my younger

sister. Those encounters end when they had their first

period. After that, my sexual behavior change. I started to

go out on my bicycle looking for maids to touch their butts

while walking on the sidewalks but soon I found that wasn't

enough. I began to walk at night looking for women. When I

had the chance, I showed them my penis and masturbated and if

I had an opportunity, I touched them. That went on for years.

I bought my first car and every single night went out looking

for women to show them my penis.



When I turned 20, my sexual behavior cause me a lot of

problems. From people running after me trying to hit me with

a bat or something because I had insulted a woman to ending

up in jail for sexual offenses. I had several problems with

prostitutes and also had several sexual diseases. Every time

I wanted more. Sometimes, I thought of raping a woman but

thank God, I never had the chance.



At 22 my life was so miserable that I thought of killing

myself. I drove my car to a busy  highway and thought of

crashing into the first bus coming. I drove for about 25

miles and to my surprise I never found a bus coming my way. I

stopped in a little town and had a beer while trying to

explain to myself why I didn't find a bus to crash into it.

Then I thought of God not wanting me to die. I decided to get

professional help. I went back home and call a doctor. I told

him that I was so desperate and that I needed to see him

immediately. That was the beginning of a long unsuccessful

treatment.



I kept doing all the sexual stuff and every day felt worse. I

started to have contacts with transvestites every once in a

while. After a few years those contacts had increased. I kept

spending a lot of money buying magazines and movies and no

amount of money seemed to be enough. At that moment I knew

that my sexual addiction was the same as or worse than a drug

addiction.



I turned 33 years old. I got married to an extraordinary

woman. She didn't know and still doesn't know about my

problem. I stopped molesting women but couldn't make it

without the magazines and movies. The more money I had, the

more money I spent buying magazines. Sometimes my wife and I

didn't have enough money to go to the supermarket and buy

groceries. I felt guilty because I was spending all that

money on my sexual addiction. I thought that when I got

married all those sexual behaviors were going to disappear

but I found out that some of them increased.



I continued to have sexual encounters with transvestites

until I found myself doing it once or twice a week. These

guys were prostitutes.



In 1994 my wife got pregnant but lost the baby after 2

months.  Since then we have been working on fertility

problems and are considering IVF. That lead me to the worst,

most unimaginable nightmare of my life.



When the doctor said we were candidates to IVF, I felt the

world crashing me. I then worried about the things I have

been doing with the transvestites and the possibility of

having AIDS. What if I'm infected?  What if I have infected

my wife?  I tried  to remember the things I did and if any of

them was risky. I had oral sex with male prostitutes

sometimes with condom, sometimes not. I Never received

ejaculations in my mouth and never had a condom break while

having sexual encounters with them. I began searching for

information on AIDS.  I got so depressed and thought of

killing myself several times. I started to have problems with

my wife because I didn't want to have sex with her. The more

depressed I was, the more sexual encounters I had with

transvestites. I knew that I was scared of AIDS but at the

same time I was looking for more danger. Then I had another

problem to deal with. My doctor kicked me out of therapy

after 10 years, but not before telling me that I have

probably contracted the AIDS virus.



My life was more than miserable. Every day I had to deal with

a deep deep depression and the fact of killing myself. I

thought of my wife being infected by me. I told myself that I

should have an AIDS test but to be honest, I didn't have the

guts to do it.



Every day was worse than the one before. One morning, after

my wife left home for work, I took my gun and put it against

my head. I cried for about 10 minutes and then tried to pull

the trigger. I couldn't do it.



Time went by. Every day I prayed to God and asked him for an

AIDS cure, That way my problem could be solved. I didn't

think of all the people who have it all around the world; I

wanted a miracle just for me.



I kept buying a lot of expensive Swedish magazines. I kept

having sexual encounters with transvestites. Depression was

getting worse. My marriage was out of control. Then I

discovered the Internet and all the things it offers. I

thought of learning things  from it instead of buying books

but soon I found that there was plenty of pornography in

there too. I was in deep trouble! I found a lot of stuff that

I have never seen before and that made my head spin. I went

crazy with all those pictures and videos. I wanted to get

involved in sexual acts like the ones I was watching. I made

a lot of stupid things just trying to imitate the pictures. I

found that I was very very sick of pornography.



One day a found a web site for Sexual Addictions and got in

touch with them. I e-mailed them as my last option. To my

surprise I found the help that I needed from a perfect

stranger. We started exchanging e-mails and with the tips

they were giving me I managed to gain control of my

addiction. First, I destroyed all the magazines I had (about

200 hundred). Then I stopped masturbating. I was amazed. I

was receiving advice from someone I didn't know and it was

helping!  Suddenly, my depression took over and I quit e-

mailing with them.



I went back to my sexual habits. I didn't care about

anything, even the wife that I love so much. For 6 months I

went crazy. I bought magazines again, found myself an expert

reaching adult sites on the Internet and kept having sexual

encounters with transvestites.



In January, I e-mailed Sexual Addiction Recovery center

again. I told them what happened since the last time we were

in touch. I received a lot of support and a lot of advice as

well. I told them I was thinking of getting the HIV test done

but was scared. They encouraged me to do it. I thought of it

for nearly a month but once again didn't have the guts. I was

so scared to have a positive result. They made me see that I

was worse to live with the fear. Depression was killing me. I

felt like I was down in the basement. What if I had a

positive result? What about my lovely wife? Again I thought

of committing suicide. An e-mail from the center encouraged

me not to do it and to have the test made. They convinced me.



The next morning I ICQ the center and told them I was scared

to death and that I was going to leave things the way they

were and see what would happen. Once again, they encouraged

me to have the test done. At that point I thought I was going

to have a heart attack.  Went to the laboratory and had my

blood taken. The lab told me to wait an hour to get the

results.  Longest hour of my life.  The doctor came out

smiling. Then I knew that everything was OK.



I sat on a park bench and thought of it. Man, I was relieved.

Then I knew I had to change my life.



When I look back at how my life was, I know one thing for

sure. I don't want to live through that again. I know that

sexual addiction is an illness and has to be treated.



I hope my story helps other people. There is always hope.

Don't let the disease beat you!



I would like to thank Steve for the support he gave me

through the most difficult time of my life. God bless you

Steve and keep doing the great job.





Sincerely





<name withheld by request>