by Leslie (twvls@uswest.net)

A Woman of Strength (written by a woman whose husband struggles with pornography.)

A woman who knows who she is... who she is in Christ- a joint heir with Him, a daughter of the King, carved in His palm, secure in her salvation and her place in her Father's Kingdom. She knows fully what her rights are; she can stand on her own two feet and knows she is capable of whatever she puts her mind to: She stands "eye-to eye" with her husband in total equality and worth as a human. She is aware of her husband's strengths - and even more so (like a woman) she is aware of his weaknesses. And with the knowledge of just what she is doing, she looks him in the eye, and makes the decision to not only love him - but to put him and his needs ahead of her own. In this knowledge of what she is doing, she knows it will require sacrifice and that it will be hard to carry out at times. But she has it within her to give as one who is strong and sure would do.

This woman knows a Love greater than any she could ever come up with, and grounded in Love Himself, she can give herself to another knowing she loses none of herself in the process. No weakness in her husband will ever have greater power over her than the power of God's love within her and in Him she can stand by her husband's side, for better or worse, sickness and health . . . till death do they part.

No doormat this woman - and yet some would call her weak.

They have no clue.

This if from a woman whose husband came to her and confessed of his addiction to pornography.

"My husband was the little Christian boy whose next door neighbor gave him magazines. Those images have never left his mind and probably never will. That little boy grew into a man who clung to Paul's words in Romans, "I do the very thing I hate!" I knew this before we married. but we thought the marriage would dissolve the battle he fought. When it didn't, a year and a half into our marriage, he confessed to me his hidden struggle. Our trust was torn in two. I felt as though I had been cheated on and the wound ran deeper than any pain I'd known.

He feared me leaving him. I didn't ... I immediately "forgave", and pushed it aside ... I bottled it up for a year. We did have some immediate counseling. I didn't tell anyone. He felt better because it was in the open and now he had me to hold him accountable, and a pastor, and a friend or two, and his father. But the release of his secret was the beginning of my pain.

Before he told me his secret I loved our intimate relationship. I didn't understand the testimonies of women who hated sex with their husbands....or needed the advice to have more of it. I searched through the list of the Proverbs 31 woman. Where did I go wrong? I wasn't perfect, but I felt that nothing I had or hadn't done merited this. The more I had sex to keep his eyes on me, the more I felt like the woman in the magazine . Our sex was feast or famine and it was my most powerful weapon to bring him the pain I felt he deserved. Yet it was my pain that remained, it was my pain that increased."

IT HURTS SO BAD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???

Dealing with the emotions, the hurt and the bitterness of a husband's weakness.

1. Trying to understand the problem.
   

   1. It almost always has its roots in the past of this man. It was a problem before they were married. Ladies think of your boys. Think of your husband as a boy or a teenager. Their innocence is shattered. These images imprinted on their minds - pictures are so hard to get out of our thoughts once in. Knowing that these could snare him into bondage right on through his life and into his marriage. Your heart would break for him. Who would your anger burn at? Who was it who lay in wait to do this?
      

   2. How do they become so hooked?
      At first it is that natural drive... raging hormones in a young man, "the need to look" and the easy access to it, etc. When they do, there's an adrenaline rush and the pleasurable, physical response - these things can become hard to fight. Without knowing it, a man can begin a habit of turning to pornography for comfort - bad family relationships, disappointments, rejection, stress, etc. A physical satisfaction and release eases the tension or stress for the moment. The desire becomes a response not just to a physical need, but now to an emotional one.
      
      I tried to think what it might be for a woman ... maybe chocolate or food? Some women say they crave it due to hormones during pms times. The first time you start eating good foods, you like them. But if they become comfort foods that are eaten to make you feel better in response to stress, loneliness, disappointment, etc. then they become an addiction to stress triggers and not just the physical desire of hunger. It becomes a stronghold that is so difficult to break free from. The draw can start pulling before you're even even aware what triggered it. " I never learned how to deal with feelings, so I would use pornography to help me control them."
      
      Understand this: We have hope he will be set free, and he is not beyond God's ability to be set free - but the hook has been set. The images are in his brain and the reality is, the potential for his falling into temptation again is probable. This is something we must live with. But we do not need to become a victim of his weakness, nor a casualty of the attacks.
      

   3. Don't try to understand it from a woman's point of view. Sex for women is wrapped up in relationship ... emotional security, vulnerability - we give our hearts when we give our bodies. Men are wired differently. They have the ability to completely separate the act from the relationship. It is hard for us to understand this and so their actions hurt us so deeply. For this same reason, a man could have a hard time understanding the depth of his wife's pain and rejection over this. They don't understand why we have such a problem with it.

    

2. Dealing with the emotions

1. Deep hurt/rejection/betrayal and false guilt.

There are 10 things the wife should know first and foremost: (This is what I have heard over and over from men.)

1. She is not the source of the problem.

2. She is not responsible for his behavior.

3. She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

4. She is not the source of the problem.

5. She is not responsible for his behavior.

6. She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

7. She is not the source of the problem.

8. She is not responsible for his behavior.

9. She has done nothing to cause him to go to pornography.

10. (repeat the above as necessary)

I understand why a man would say this. The problem existed in his life before she did, so she is not the one who has caused it. I believe this is true. But if this is true, why then does it hurt us so bad, so deep, if he's doing it not to me, but to himself...

Mark 10:7-8 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'

They are no longer two, but one.

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

We are made one with our husbands, one flesh. But we are the flesh that is hurt so deeply by his actions. He does not feel it as deeply in his own flesh, as we feel it deep within us - we are one.

It hurts. It hurts. And it can become even worse if a woman tries to tell her husband how much it hurts, and he dismisses her feelings by telling her it isn't her fault. That doesn't change how she feels. She wants him to know how it hurts. She wants him to know the pain so he will stop. That is hard to make happen, ladies - but God knows. He knows the hurt, and He is there for you.

2. False guilt

(This also is from a man.)

" I cannot stress enough that the one person who is responsible for the husband engaging in sinful sexual behavior -- regardless of whether that behavior is fantasy, pornography, affairs, or some more offensive behavior -- is the husband himself. As an addict, I blamed everyone but myself for my behaviors:

"If my wife were more ___<whatever>___, I'd keep my interests at home."

"If my job were less stressful..."

"If my church..."

"If my friends..."

"If I hadn't been molested..."

"I've been working so hard, I deserve a reward."

"The wife often gets the brunt of this. She thinks "My husband should come to me for his sexual enjoyment. Since he's not coming to me, there must be something wrong with me." But she is not the cause. He may use her as an excuse, but she has no responsibility for the choices he makes. As an adult, he is fully responsible for his own choices."

A wife is called by God to love her husband, and it is very important to the marriage that she do so. Unfortunately many marriages have intimacy problems. There are misconceptions fostered by the media, past sins or abuses in the lives of one spouse and/or the other and just a general lack of understanding of sex, the differences between men and women in the bedroom, etc.

While intimacy between a husband and wife might be lacking, this does not create an excuse for the man to turn to pornography. And although a wife may have lacked in meeting her husband's needs in this area, it does not make her accountable for her husband's sin. She is not guilty for causing him to do what he does. He makes his own choice - yet unfortunately the consequences are shared.

3. Resentment/bitterness/disgust and even revenge.

If he doesn't understand, if she can't forgive ... these may lead to resentment, bitterness or disgust in a wife's heart.

Maybe she tries to be there for him, to be available so he won't need the pornography. Maybe it seems things are getting better ... If she then she finds later the pornography is still there, she will be devastated.

Maybe the man has apologized, asked forgiveness, and promised not to do it again. Things get better. A "honeymoon" period might follow, including intense lovemaking ... this can be taken by a wife that everything is really all right, and then she is shattered when it begins again. She has given herself and now is rejected once more. She has made herself even more vulnerable than before, and has been hurt even more deeply. She may feel disgust at his inability to control himself. She may be overwhelmed at the hopelessness of her inability to meet her husband's needs. It is devastating to a woman to feel this way. The utter rejection she feels causes her to seek some way to protect herself, and she does by holding him in contempt. Now she feels she has a right to be bitter, hurt and resentful. He does not deserve respect in her eyes.

Now she has become a casualty of the enemy's attack on her husband and marriage. She has become a victim and has herself become snared by the enemy in bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. He has driven a wedge in the marriage and has removed the one person who should be standing by this man's side in the battle.

3. Help:

1. You cannot do this without Jesus. He alone can heal your heart and give you the love and strength you will need to stand by your husband against the enemy. No man can promise never to hurt you, but Jesus can. Release the hurt, rejection, anger and bitterness, to Him and know that He cares for you and will remain faithful to you forever - only He can deliver this promise to you.
   
   Pray for your family. Pray for your husband. The attack is great in our country today against our men and our sons. Pray for yourself and remain strong in the grace and love with which God loves you and has shown you through Jesus. You will always need to remain strong in this, just in case he falls again.
   

2. Shame is not part of the healing process. If your husband knows you know... look him in the eye and tell him often you love him, but do not continually throw it in his face, bringing it up in arguments and condemning him for it. Shaming him will not strengthen him in his weakness, and it will cause you to fall back into contempt or bitterness.
   
   You can share with him how you feel, using "I" statements and avoiding the use of the word "you." Rather than "You really hurt me when you use that garbage" you might say "I feel like I'm competing with the women in those magazines, and I'm really hurt that you would bring another woman into our home." He may not understand your feelings. He may even tell you that you are wrong for feeling that way, but by sharing how "you" feel you'll have a better chance of communicating it to him if he's not on the defensive.
   

3. If he wants your help:
   If he wants to talk about it, try, try, try not to be defensive, or accusational. If you still can't bear it, if it still hurts too much, listen as long as you can and tell him it is still hard. You need him, too. Ask him to hold you. As you are able, listen and try to understand him and ask how you might help him. Some men may want their wives to help hold them accountable by asking how they're doing. Find out how often he wants you to ask, and then do so. Be prepared if he does not say what you hope. If this is too hard for you, tell him and ask him if he has someone else he can turn to.
   
   Your husband may not want this kind of help from you. Do not force it if that is the case. Love the man and stand by him and pray.
   

4. Oh, this may be the hard one. Meet his needs!
   Not just behind the bedroom door, but be the companion who helps him through life. Make his home a good place to be. A place that is a refuge from the world where the people in it love him. Be his friend - enjoy him. Do things with him. Be his sweetheart - flirt with him, hold his hand, sit by him and touch him throughout the day, patting his shoulder, giving him a hug. And his lover.
   
   Know him. Do you know what triggers stress, frustration, boredom, etc. for him? Can you tell when pressure is getting to him? Can you tell what may trigger it before it actually does? Is there anything you can do to help alleviate it?
   
   Be available for lovemaking.
   Have a "signal" for when he might be feeling stressed or "in the mood" ...lovemaking may help a lot. It will renew and strengthen his affection for you, it releases stress and promotes a sense of well-being. Some couples have a candle in their room which a spouse may light as a sign of desire. Remember that this is a part of being one, needing each other and loving each other. If this is hard, begin by thinking of things you like about him - his good qualities. Even if you can only come up with one at the moment, it'll do - you'll come up with more. This is the man you love. This is the man who needs you, your unconditional love. Respond to him, and return to the place where you enjoy him as well as him enjoying you. It will strengthen you and your husband.
   
   These kinds of things can help strengthen him and lessen the power of the temptation. It is not a guarantee, and it is not your fault if he chooses to give in, but you need to stand by his side and help where it is possible.
   
   If this is an area that is hard for you, then seek some additional information. Dr. Ed Wheat's book, Intended for Pleasure is a good, informative book on marital intimacy. (It may seem dry at times, but it is sound and loaded with good advice!) Another book that is very good is Intimate Issues - it deals with many issues women deal with in the bedroom.
   
   Communication is important for you both. Let him talk and really listen. Don't get defensive or critical - I know, it's hard. Listen, and then you communicate with him. Ask what he likes, tell him what you like. Did you know men are like light bulbs? You flip the switch and they're turned on. Women are like irons - you plug them in and then you wait, and wait. Let him in on this, too. These days men and women think women are ready at the drop of their hat! Oh, no.....
   
   One last thought on this ... one man I spoke with mentioned his frustration with how unfair it seemed to him that he should be expected to fulfill his duty to the family, no matter how he felt that day, and yet his wife should not be expected to make love is she didn't feel like it. He needed her, yet she did not have to be there for him - and he did not have such freedom to walk away from her needs. I think he has a point that deserves some serious consideration.
   

5. Extra point:
   Understand most men today have a totally wrong picture of how a man and wife are in the bedroom. The media has portrayed the woman as the one who is so hungry and aggressive. She is the one who is thrashing in passion. If they are not seeing this in their bed it may lead him to think there is something wrong with him or you. This can mean frustration for both of you. Try to help him see and understand that this is a false picture of what women are like, and they should not feel pressured or feel like there's something wrong with either of you.
   
   Lovemaking for women is about the whole relationship, not just the physical part. Communication in this area will help strengthen you both. Men and women are so different and intimacy is enhanced the more you know about your spouse.

4. Is there hope? Yes.

The following excerpts are from women who know God's healing and strengthening power. They love their husbands and have become ally in this fight.

"My husband is not my enemy. His sinful actions reaped some grave and painful consequences. We cant take it back, as much as we would like to. I was so hurt and angry ... but angry at the wrong person. My husband is not exempt from his sin, but my forgiveness of him means I need to move past this place. My bitterness very easily could have closed his heart to me and mine to him. Although his eyes had wandered; his heart hadn't. I know this now.

There is a very real responsibility on my part. My husband was repentant. But what if he wasn't? Does that change my responsibility? Does that give me the right to bitterness? His sin may hurt me terribly, but how much the same does my sin hurt God? Look at the sins listed together in the NT...adulterers and bitterness. All pain God's heart. My bitterness was no worse than his lust. All deserved Hell. All needed forgiveness. So...I needed (need) to be right with my God. I needed my own dose of repentance and forgiveness. Even though I thought I had deserved the right to be bitter. So the issue really wasn't how much sex we were or weren't having. He wouldn't harden his heart because of sex. But he would harden his heart to me because of my bitterness against him, my lack of love and forgiveness.

It no longer hurts, nor does the idea that images may come into his mind when he is with me, bother me. I know he loves me and that I have his heart. I can love him from my heart with no fear or resentment. In fact, it has become an even more intense and real love because it has the power Jesus' love behind it.

I have learned so much of His love for me through this. A love that can look at another without denial or fear of that one's weaknesses or sins is the most powerful love of all. Neither sin nor the enemy can touch it. It cannot be exploited by the enemy in me. He has lost this battle for my heart and I stand firm in the Spirit and in love, at the side of my husband.

5. Closing:

Ladies, the love of Jesus is the love that conquered sin. It is the power of God in your life and in your husband's. It will be your strength, it will be where you get the ability to forgive your husband and the ability to love him in the very midst of weakness. Jesus has done no less for you.

The following is a letter sent to a woman full of anger and hurt at her husband's refusing to admit to his involvement in pornography after she had found it. She was given sympathy and encouragement to have him leave their home. No one had encouraged her to forgive him and become his ally.

"Dear hurting, the words I will offer are the hard ones, but they are the ones I believe to be right. I do not find tough love in the Word when it comes to marriage ... unless that it is sometimes tough for the one who must do the loving. What does it mean to love the unlovely? The unlovely are the ones that we look at and our heart wants to recoil - we have been hurt and what we see or feel is to much for us, and yet we are called to love.

Your husband knows you know. What is it that you want from him? Acknowledgment? I would to. Repentance? Yes, I would to. An apology for the hurt and rejection ... Yes, but how much meaning would it have if he could not promise to not do it again? He may have tried to quit. He may very well feel like the scum of the earth and if he does and has tried to quit then he feels lower than that.... especially since he knows the hurt it has caused. He knows you want him to admit it and turn from it ... but what if he just doesn't think he can promise you that?

The past few years I have been involved in a women's Bible study and have had lots of women talk to me as a result. I can tell you this stronghold of the enemy is much more widespread than most of us think. The attack is devious - It snares our sons when they are to naive to know the full danger. It hits our men where they are so vulnerable and even one image can be replayed over and over to continue the pull to the snare. They are then caught in a net of self loathing, failure and despair. It hits the wife where she is vulnerable - crumbling her security and acceptance, her sense of desirability, all of which is so hard to surrender to a man in the first place ... and then to seemingly be rejected for such trash is overwhelming.

It hits the intimacy of marriage. The place where a man and wife share their very being with one another. And the enemy sits back, eyes narrowed, with a smirk and contemptuously laughs. He destroys the inner life of the man, the woman, their marriage and even the women whose images cause the pain in the first place.

Who is it who really deserves the blame, the anger and the wrath? Who is the battle against? Satan is utterly corrupt and contemptible and our society has nearly placed the men of our nation is his hand. Where are they not given the temptation?

And on top of it, due to more of the enemy's twisted delights, women come into marriage with hurts from abuse, baggage from earlier relationships, or self-image problems, all of which will affect the intimacy that should be so special and help provide a protection to the marriage.

You are wanting things from your husband he can't possibly give you. Oh, dear sister, so much do you belong in the arms of your Lord. He Who loves you more, Who will never reject you, Who never takes His eyes off you and Whose heart knows nothing but joyous love for you. He alone can give you the love you need, He alone can heal your heart, and He alone can give you the promise never to hurt you.

What your husband needs is his wife, at his side, in the spirit in the face of the enemy, telling that enemy you will stand and stay and he will not take your marriage. He will not take your children's father away from them. This is not enabling. This is not being a doormat for husband to walk all over.

This can only be done from a position of strength in Christ. It is a strong woman who will not become a casualty of the enemy's assault on her family. It is a strong woman who knows where to get love to give.

Can you see in your husband what could be in Jesus? Can you look in his eyes and see this? Can you look in his eyes and know the love and forgiveness God has for him? ( Just as God has for you?) Can you look in his eyes and tell him you love him? And can you walk in this love for this man, whom God has given you to love? Jesus has done no less than this for each of us ...

I cannot promise you that this will change him. But nothing *you* can do, will. Go to Jesus for your strength and love and seek His Word and wise counsel for what *you* should be doing. In this He will uphold you with His mighty hand, and in the midst of this turmoil you will know His peace.