AN OLDTIMER'S STORY

I appreciate being able to share my story. I appreciate that it is a good story to share. I am so thankful for that.

It is a given that my childhood was certainly dysfunctional although there was love within my family of origin (FOO). I will not go back into my childhood because I want to focus on where I am today. However, I did experience much pain and anxiety during my childhood and I have worked through these issues and continue to work through them. I know that so many have experienced so much trauma and pain from this disease. I don't feel that I have words that could describe my pain from my disease and the disease of my husband. I know that to get through the pain that I have had to go through it. Also, I had family of origin issues long before I met and married the sex addict.

Coming out of denial about my disease and facing the fact that my partner had a sex addiction was not fast in coming, believe me. Denial is a very strong survival technique, but is one that helped me survive as a child, however, not one that was very helpful to me as an adult. Yet, I stayed in denial for a long time and I hit bottom before I started to look up for a solution. This is very difficult for me to write and not because I mind sharing but because it seems that there is so much to share and I could not begin to get into all that here.

I do want to say that I understand all the pain of living with a sex addict. There were times when I prayed to die. The feelings and the trauma were so tremendous I thought I would die. It hurt so much to know that my husband had been with many other women and many prostitutes. It also hurt that he would check out other women and fantasize about them while making love with me. Also, the euphoric recall was painful. I began to sense when he was not with me and at first that happened often. Pain, pain, and more pain, and then finally acceptance after feeling the pain, and dealing with it. Then finally came surrender and then the peace and serenity.

Even after I came out of denial it was a slow process. I still was in denial about things. However, slowly but surely I continued to seek recovery and so much has since been revealed to me. I am so very thankful for that. One thing I had to do was to accept that I was living in an insane world and that I had contributed to that insanity by not choosing to look at what was happening as unhealthy. It took me a long time to see what was going on within me and to start to climb out of that hole. I did find though that I needed to be gentle with myself and to remember that I had learned skills of survival during my childhood that had helped me to survive but I had to also recognize that these skills were no longer helpful or healthy as an adult.

So I look back and realize that at the time I did the best I could with what skills I had. I worked the Twelve Steps and I have made my amends to those I harmed and that included myself first of all. I still to this day continue to look at what is happening to see what is my part in it. Those are things such as a need to be perfect, pride, lack of humility, expectations, self-righteousness, lack of intimacy, lack of trust in my Higher Power. There are many more believe me.

So to work a tenth step inventory every day (and I don't manage that everyday), is very helpful. Each step has been so helpful to me. I feel more authentic and able to take care of myself these days. I know that I can have a slip or relapse at any time because stress can hurl me back into old "co" ways. I try to get sufficient rest, take good physical care of myself, and most importantly, stay in touch with my Higher Power. My Higher Power has meant the most to me in my recovery. My own efforts to heal and with the help of my sponsor, my group members, and the Twelve Steps have been of tremendous help as I have journeyed through this process.

I use to think that if only the addict would change, then all would be alright. Well, I learned the hard way that I can't have those types of expectations and that I have no control over the addict, others or events. I was however empowered when I accepted my powerless over others and events. I can look at my own character defects and try to change those into healthier ways of dealing with life. Looking at my character defects helped me a lot to understand that my sex addict partner did not have a corner on an unhealthy lifestyle. In all of this I also learned to look at my character assets. That was the most difficult to do. I saw myself as unworthy of love, respect, and many of the good things in life. I finally learned that I had a intimacy problem/intimacy disorder. I felt that I wanted intimacy but I married someone who was not capable of that kind of intimacy in their addiction, but I then realized that I was not capable of that either. Why would I marry someone who was unavailable if I wanted to share myself in that deep a manner?

So by starting to understand that the sex addict was not responsible for all my problems in life, I came to see that only I was responsible for how my life progressed or did not progress into a healthy way of living. I can't say that I did not need time to process all of the things that went on in my life or that I was not to feel my feelings, but in addition, I had to learn to own my feelings and to realize that no one could make me feel anything I chose not to feel. I had to put the focus on me and my dysfunctional. That did not mean that I overlooked my partner's addiction, or not ask for responsible behavior from my partner. I can ask for anything, then it is up to him as to whether or not he will respond. I found that there is no wrong question or no wrong request, but that my partner then could respond the way he saw fit. So expectations were out but not hopes. But it took me a while to let go of expectations, believe me.

I learned that I was not a victim although I had been victimized. I could let go of the past and the wrongs and the sometimes perceived wrongs, if I chose that. That released me tremendously because I took responsibility for my own life, my happiness, and many other things. What was my husband's to take responsibility for was his and he could choose to deal with that or not choose to deal with that. I found that I must respect the sex addict's decisions even if I thought they were unhealthy or unwise or wrong. I had choices. If he did not choose recovery, I could leave.

To no longer feel like a victim was freeing. I started to take responsibility for my life. That was scary but also freeing. I let go of a lot of misconceptions about others and concentrated on my issues. That was freeing. I learned to detach in love from my partner and his addiction. It was difficult because at first I had no clue as how to do this. It is a process and so I eventually did understand the concept of detaching in love. I must admit that lots of time I detached in anger, and I also went into avoidance and distancing. Somehow it all seemed to help me to learn. I don't believe that anything that happens to me in life is a mistake. I feel that I will be presented with issues until I learn how to deal with things in a healthy way, and I don't feel that I will ever be cured as I am human and I do feel that my coaddiction/codependence is an addiction. So I will always be in recovery. This is my experience.

Detaching did not mean that I did not love my partner, but that I gave up any expectations about how he should (yes, the "shoulds") be working his recovery program. He made mistakes as did I, and I did not try to caretake him nor did I want to enable him. He learned to let go of me in the same way. It was very difficult to work our individual recoveries and also work on our relationship. It has been a long process but also a very productive one. All happens in its own good time and that I also had to learn to accept.

So learning to healthily care for myself, detach in love, acceptance, gratitude, and turning my life over to the care of the God of my understanding was paramount in my recovery.

I wanted what I feel the human heart desires. I did not know how to have that until I surrendered. I did not feel that I could have feelings let alone express my feelings. If I did express a feeling, it was usually anger, which I've since learned was hiding my hurt or fear, and it was safer to be angry than to express hurt which meant leaving myself vulnerable in my eyes.

I surely learned not to talk, feel, express my feelings, or trust myself or others in my FOO. However, I had a canny knack of trusting untrustworthy people. I seemed to be the other piece to the puzzle that seemed to so effortlessly fit with a dysfunctional other. Certainly I was not encouraged to be direct and honest, or vulnerable or to take care of myself in a healthy way. I was told as a child not to be selfish and to sacrifice, sacrifice. I was rigid in many ways as a result of my family's expectations that I be perfect. I learned that if I was rigid in my expectations of others, that I was even more rigid with myself and my expectations of myself. I developed a pattern of coping that was unhealthy. And I did it in reaction to other issues/addictions. I believed I could control others and became obsessed with that. My life certainly was unmanageable even though I brought to bear all my talents, wit and skills on any problem. I was very analytical and felt that trying to rationally deal with an active addict would bring my desired results. I learned to victimize. I certainly went the triangle route. I'd be a caretaker, then without any change in the other person, felt like a victim and then a martyr, and then got angry and then I victimized them. It went around and around like that until much recovery was underway.

I experienced a lot of shame. I was raised in a shame-based home. I certainly developed a tolerance for unhealthy behavior from others. I was other-centered (which to me now means that I was self-centered as this took the focus off me and put it on others so I did not have to look at my issues.) and as I stated earlier, I felt abandoned by my parents, and by God. Then in my adulthood, I continued to abandon myself.

What part did I played in my own victimization? Many times I said yes when I wanted to say no. I seemed to be caught up in a whirlwind I did not understand. I tried to believe lies when it was in front of my face that it was lies. I never believed I was worthy enough to deserve better. I was a reacter to other's dysfunctional. I needed help. As I have heard it said, "I was a volunteer and not a victim in my adulthood". As a child I was a victim.

I certainly felt the progression of my disease. It literally wore me down and I finally hit bottom. I became isolated, noncommunicative, depressed and anxiety ridden, and physically ill and certainly spiritually deprived. Hitting bottom for me meant the chance to learn to value and love myself while still caring for others but not caretaking or enabling them. There were natural consequences to my behavior and also some for the sex addict in my life.

I have to say that a crisis in my life was when I felt needed and alive and I felt a "high". It was my drug of choice. I felt more alive during a crisis. I believe that this kept the focus off my pain, issues, my lack of self-worth and self-respect. I experienced "frozen feelings". It was or felt like a physical shutdown. I became devoid of feelings and would totally abandon myself. This is difficult to explain but I do know that during this time I would feel my face flushing and I felt "shame"! I simply felt frozen and I could not respond. I was in a sort of suspended time zone; a disassociation. It was I feel a protection on my part to survive that moment in time. I recall feeling trapped and I was super responsible or super irresponsible. I learned that I practiced passive-aggressive behavior which was in my opinion a way to have some control over my life however unhealthy it was or nonproductive. The more I tried to control the addict or others, the more controlled I was. When I gave energy to negative things, I became more negative and depressed, and when I learned to give energy to positive things, the more I felt good about myself and respected myself and my boundaries and goals in life.

As it is said, recovery is a journey and not a destination. I really believe that and I have no problem with my journey at this time. I take it one day at a time and I work my recovery and attempt to keep the focus on myself. I do want to say that surrendering and trusting in my Higher Power has brought a measure of peace that I never dreamed I could have. Also working my program while my husband works his, has helped us both to work on our relationship/marriage. It is a pretty sound marriage although, I can only commit to this day for my recovery and for my marriage. I live in the present as much as possible and no longer fear the past nor the future. I am still faced with difficulties in life but I have finally learned that I can life on life's terms. I am so grateful for my Higher Power's ever present love, validation and support.

Also, I can't express how much the members of my group/s mean to me. They are my angels. I can't say more than that. It just does not get any better than that. I try to remember how much love has brought me to where I am today and the people responsible for all that love and that includes my husband.

Once I felt trapped, unloved and lonely, now I feel free, loved and alive. I gave it all I had and the program worked and continues to work in my life. Thanks for letting me share.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Please TWYN&LTR. :)

---- Anonymous, by request

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