I've received the following in many different forms via email:
"I have read these stories and see myself in them. Where do I go from here ? I have ordered materials but I can't fight it alone. I am scared and lonely."
The good news: you don't have to recover alone. Isolation is one common component of addiction... but how do you find a place to start recovery? Here are some ways to get started.
ACCOUNTABILITY
I recommend that you find someone -- a close, trusted friend or a pastor/minister/spiritual leader. -- to whom you can be completely open and accountable about your struggles. This should not be your spouse or significant other. This accountability person person should never condemn or shame you, but should help you through the struggles you face. This person -- or "these people" if you can find more than one -- needs to be available to talk at any time of night or day, so they can help you through the temptation. Your sponsor/accountability partner should be someone:
- of the same gender as you
- who has some long-term sobriety
- who also has something you want (recovery, sanity, etc.)
- who is not a potential trigger for you
FIND A COUNSELOR
I would encourage you to find a therapist or counselor of some sort. If you're concerned about the cost, you might want to know that some counselors have a "sliding scale" for people who can't afford counseling. There are alternatives, too. Some pastors (priests, ministers, or other spiritual leaders) are able counselors. Some churches also provide lay counseling ministries (you usually don't have to be a member to take advantage of these). One big name I recall off the top of my head is Lutheran Social Services; I believe the Catholic church has such a ministry too. The church I attend (a non-denominational body) also has free lay counseling for anyone.
Your best bet, of course, is to find a professional counselor who has experience dealing with addictions, and specifically with sexual addiction if possible. Below are some questions to ask for when you interview counselors. I know it's scary to ask people some of these questions, but you can call and ask the receptionist -- or often even directly ask the counselor -- and the phone helps keep the questions anonymous.
What should you ask a counselor? Here is the list of questions I used when I was interviewing for a counselor. If you have additional questions you use, please This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and I'll add them here.
- Have you dealt with sexual addiction in your practice?
- Are you primarily directive or non-directive?
- Are you Family Systems oriented?
- What books have you read on sexual addiction (titles, authors)?
- What training have you had on dealing with sexual addiction?
- Is your style Cognitive, Behavioral, Psychoanalytical, or something else?
- What do you charge?
- What are your credentials?
- How long have you been in practice?
READ UP ON THE ADDICTION
Read up on the addiction, too. There are some excellent books about sexual addiction from a variety of authors and viewpoints. The books I recommend addicts initially read are:
- Out of the Shadows
The classic text for sexual addiction by Dr. Patrick Carnes - Faithful & True
An excellent work on sexual addiction from a Christian worldview by Dr. Mark Laaser
JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP
I strongly encourage you to get plugged in to a face-to-face support system. On SARR you'll find links and phone numbers for a variety of regional, national, and international sex addiction support groups. The most common groups are Sexaholics Anonymous [SA], Sex Addicts Anonymous [SAA], Sexual Compulsives Anonymous [SCA], and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous [SLAA]. There are other groups which may be helpful as well, and I've tried to include them all. Find all the meetings in your area, pick one, and commit to attending that meeting at least six times before deciding if it's the right meeting for you. If after six meetings you decide it isn't for you, try another meeting or another fellowship.
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