(In spite of the variety of backgrounds, we agree on these.)
- We came here because we determined that our thinking and behavior patterns were
continually repeating, betraying a conflict with our professed values. For most of us
here, the behavior was escalating toward unwanted and increasingly destructive
consequences in spite of our dread of those consequences. We knew we must stop, and we
wanted help.
- The level and the rate of recovery depends for the most part on the motivation we have
to stop our addictive thinking and behavior.
- We realized eventually that the terms *recovery* and *abstinence*, in regards to
addictive behavior, are not the same thing. Stopping the behavior, refusing to act on
impulse, is, though, the beginning of recovery. Recovery is not possible if we keep
"acting out." Quitting is initially hard work, perhaps the hardest work of the
whole process, but it is, inevitably, the only way we begin the recovery process.
- In addition to quitting a behavior, recovery meant we had to carefully examine and then
significantly change our perceptions about ourselves, the thinking that served our
addictive behavior. Attempting to preserve all of our lifestyle except for the addictive
behavior was futile. Most of us, if not all of us, discovered addiction was our attempt to
meet real emotional needs (love, affirmation, validation, etc). We learned that sex itself
was not a need, and that sex of itself could not satisfy these real emotional needs. In
actuality, the self-degradation of our sexual behavior made our emotional needs greater.
And we began a spiraling cycle of self-destruction as we kept trying to fill our needs
with something that made our needs greater. Therefore, once we stopped our addictive
thinking and behavior, most of us needed to investigate how we had been using our
addiction to meet our needs. We needed to get these real needs met, which decreased our
attraction for our addictive behavior. We found that contentment and happiness could only
be achieved through this self-examination, which led to changing our distorted
self-serving perceptions about ourselves and others. Attempting to preserve our addictive
perceptions would have made our recovery process far more challenging than necessary, and
happiness, an impossibility.
- Introspection, while not necessary to quit an addictive behavior is, however, a very
common part of the recovery process. Recovering addicts undertake this introspection in
quite a variety of ways. Some find the opportunity to work through this as they work 12
Step Programs like SLAA, SCA, and so forth. Some are challenged by their counselors.
Others use self-help books, such as Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective
People. Most
revisit this process, repeatedly examining what their behavior demonstrates about their
values, securing the progress they made and mapping out the work ahead that must be done.
- Although a few people are successful at ending addiction on their own, without programs
or encouragement from others, most addicts who are successful in achieving recovery make
use of as many "recovery tools" as they can to help them keep to their decision.
Their "toolboxes" include books about addiction (and sexual addiction in
particular, such as SA books (e.g., Carnes *Don't Call It Love*) or other literature,
professional or pastoral counseling, support groups, prayer, the 2-second fantasy rule,
phone calls, exercise, meditation, accountability to another, and sharing here in aras.
(People periodically post notes about the tools they use, right here on aras).
- Many were not successful in their first attempt to quit, even after incorporating many
of the recovery tools that are available to them. They made use of the experience, though,
to learn what they needed to do differently. They had to recognize that their approach,
and often even their perception of addiction, needed critical reassessment and
"retooling."
- While there is heated debate among recovery experts about their associated programs, all
programs have helped some addicts. If you find that a recovery program, or counselor for
that matter, does not make sense to you, seek help from another that does. Each of us has
had to critically examine the programs we associated ourselves with, and a few of us left
one for another whose principles we found most sensible.
- Honesty with ourselves, our spouses, and other persons to whom we are committed is
essential to recovery.
- "Acting out" is always our choice. Nothing forces us to act or not act but
ourselves, no matter how much we feel we are compelled. Our self-esteem is a by-product of
these and other behavior choices. Therefore, we commit ourselves to our recovery plans in
spite of our feelings, knowing that waiting for a feeling to change without a change in
behavior first is wasted time.
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